An unspecified church

Over time, I’ve come across a few weird or spoof religions. These include the Discordians who worship the Greek goddess Eris, and the Church of the SubGenius that believes its adherents were descended from Himalayan Yetis. The Flying Spaghetti Monster religion has devotees who wear pasta strainers in passport photos as an item of religious headgear, and who believe that their deity possesses a divine Noodly Appendage.

It was therefore an interesting surprise to run into a friend who reckons he is involved in setting up the Church of Non-Specific Origin (CONSO) in Lismore. John Ley is an actor who has played roles in the films BMX Bandits (Moustache), and in Mad Max 1 as Charlie McKidd, a policeman with a religious fixation. The spiritual head of CONSO is John’s alias, His Hollowness Rev. Dr. Ignatius O’Nort.

His Hollowness Rev. Dr. Ignatius O’Nort, head of the Church of Non-Specific Origin.

While CONSO is not officially registered yet in the eyes of the authorities, it does exist as a congregation. As everyone is inadvertently a member, it has a greater number of participants than all other faiths combined. Receiving official accreditation will require the formation of a non-profit organisation, together with the formulation of a philosophy and a doctrine. If this is successful, it will achieve tax-free status.

In terms of its beliefs, CONSO has links to Dot Theory. This interesting field of research is the subject of John’s attempt to complete a forthcoming PhD titled Dot People. Its purpose is to demonstrate and explain the principle behind a ‘synapse of creativity.’ John’s epiphany was a personal realisation of the validity of Dot Theory, and he set up the church in order to demonstrate this.

Another alias is Major General, Rear Admiral Sir (Retired) Rustle T. Diamund, more frequently known as Rusty, who has taken on the mantle of the President of Australia. In the 2019 Federal election, Rusty will be standing as a candidate, on the instruction of His Hollowness. Due to some unconventional ideas surrounding the sequence of events, he has taken on the presidential role prior to being elected as such, which in turn is taking place before Australia votes to become a republic.

Some time in the week leading up to February 1st, Rusty will be celebrating his third anniversary as President of Australia, an occasion that falls on a different date every year, and which will be marked by a video, to be posted on YouTube, of him being filmed in front of the camera, wearing his special presidential uniform.

He will be working with an actress who will be signing an (otherwise silent) speech for the benefit of the deaf, with the result that only the deaf will understand what it is about. It is expected that as a result, this video will go viral among the deaf community. The signer will be wearing a Ned Kelly helmet, as a disguise, and to appeal to the members of the church who experience discrimination due to their Islamic beliefs.

At the forthcoming Mad Max 40th anniversary reunion at the beginning of February, Rusty will be launching his presidential campaign. His election platform will involve putting an end to political corruption, stamping out corporate greed, and taking the ‘U’ (you) out of Australia. There are plans for conservation burial plots, a euthanasia policy, and a tax on financial transactions to provide money for infrastructure. Rusty’s greatest contribution to 21st century democracy is the Voter Trading Scheme, an initiative where you pay to vote. Under this system, all indigenous people will receive five votes for a dollar, native-born Australians three votes, migrants to Australia two votes, and everyone else on the planet one vote. A weakness in the scheme is that it opens up the possibility of Chinese and Indians determining Australian election outcomes due to their superior numbers.

Where the Church activities intersect with Rusty’s campaign is through the need to carry out a miracle. This will be in the form of the forthcoming election documentary film Mad Max 1.5: On the Road to the White Ouse [sic.] The general feel of it has been described as something like Norman Gunston meets Borat at The Chaser. Finances for this creative endeavour will be obtained from a crowdfunding drive. I have been given some details about the film’s expected plot, but unfortunately I am under strict instructions not to reveal anything. So unfortunately you will have to indulge your imaginations for now.

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